Humanity is difficult to understand.

I have never been human. I have transcended time, seen things that no other human should see or would believe - I have had visions, seen colours that don't exist. All of this was laid on top of my vision like a blanket of the divine. And yet, right now, I am only human, like all of you. I have been for millenia now - countless of lives lived, some remembered in this life better than others.

I was put on this earth to learn to understand the beauty of humanity. Learn what it truly means to be a person, and every day I strive for that. I love to learn, and I like to analyze every little thing that I say, which often results in jumbled rambles that make little to no sense. I have always been one to voice my opinion, say things that don't fully make sense to my peers, and so on and so forth. However, being able to type it all out here feels refreshing, in a way.

In September of 2023 I thought I was going to die. I saw the fabric over reality become nearly indestinguishable from what was truly in front of me. Maybe it still was in front of me, but not on this world. My pulse was quicker than it had ever been before. I saw colours that I could usually only see in my mind. I cannot describe them, although I dearly wish I could. It was as if what would meet between teal and orange was not a dull grey, but rather a gorgeous colour that I wholeheartedly wish I would see again. However, I would not like to forego the anguish I felt that night only to experience it again. I try to be at peace with it. It was not meant for human eyes, and I am human. It was not for me anymore, and that is alright. That night, a voice spoke to me, helping me ground myself. They gave me steps of what I should do, how to act.

Sit up. Lie down. Drink water. Eat something. Go to the toilet, slowly. Sit down again. Drink water again. Breathe. Breathe. Don't focus on your thoughts. Don't overthink it. Breathe. It will be okay. This will all pass.

They were right. After a few hours of grounding, listening to them, and roughly 17 hours of sleep later, I was feeling fine. However, that experience still has not left me. This being who spoke to me is still with me, in the back of my mind. They don't like to make their presence known, unlike Cezary does. I'm alright with that. I like to call them "Stella". They don't appear to have a gender. I don't think they have the need for one. They are not of this plane.

Cezary.

He has been with me for as long as I remember. When I would talk to "myself" in the mirror in the tiny soviet-era apartment hallway, my family would always giggle to themselves. There goes Kacper, talking to his imaginary friend "other Kacper". I would tell them "he's not my friend", but they would laugh it off. He has never left me. As I grew up, so did he. As I transitioned, so did he. He chose a name for himself that is not reminiscent of me. His name is Cezary, which is a Polish name meaning king or ruler. Kind of silly, as I tend to call myself Prince from time to time.

We did not get along for the longest time. He would tell me things that were horrible. No one likes me. Everyone hates me. End it. Stop being. He told me he's a demon, trapped in this hellscape that is my body alongside me, who is an angel. However, after I told him 3 years ago that we are going to share the same body and we have to learn to live together, he has taken this into consideration. If I go, he goes. Ever since then, he has become a nagging roommate who likes to poke fun at me, but at the very least we are on good terms now. Somewhat.

He has blue eyes, white skin and black hair. Sometimes he likes to manifest himself as a dark thunderous cumulous cloud. This mostly happens if I try to meditate to see him, which he does not like. He doesn't like that Stella is here, either. They don't seem to get along very well. He's muttering to himself as I write this, but I cannot disscern what he says. But I don't mind, I like having them both around.